Sex Advice with Dr Mordin Solus
by reginleif-valkyrie
Summary: Shepard is curious about interspecies sex. Who else are you going to ask but Mordin? This is all of Mordin's sex advice from Mass Effect 2 all rolled into one awkward conversation. I labeled it 'M' mostly to be safe.


**I tried writing this so that Shepard can be male or female depending on what you want. I am a girl, so I'm sorry if there are times where Shepard sounds more like a female.**

I entered the Teck Lab.

"Shepard." Mordin was peering through a microscope. "How can I help you?"

"Have you got a minute to talk?"

"If you must."

"I actually have a science question. Well, it's biology I suppose."

When he didn't respond, I continued. "Is it possible for a quarian to have sex with a human? You know, with their immune system and all."

Mordin looked up at me and blinked. "Beg pardon?"

I shrugged. "It's only a hypothetical question. It crossed my mind when Tali was telling me about how she repaired her suit."

"Hmm." He thought for a moment. "I highly recommend not having any kind of contact with Tali outside her suit. Immune system weak. The smallest contact could kill. But, if you insist, she will require an antiseptic, maybe several. You need to undergo self-sterilization. I am capable to assist and no oral contact for either party. Too much bacteria in the mouth. Keep your tongue in your mouth as well."

I cocked my head a little. "Huh, didn't think you'd know so much about sex with a quarian."

"I am a geneticist and doctor. I know a lot about everything."

"Interesting." I smiled, an idea coming to mind. "What about a turian? How would I go about sleeping with one of those?"

"Chafing." Mordin nodded. "Painful chafing. An analgesic would be wise after and no tight pants. Also, turian have dextro amino acids which cause an allergic reaction and possibly anaphylactic shock. I advise against." He coughed. "Ingesting anything from a turian. Better yet, put nothing turian in your mouth."

I stared at him. "Is that your way of saying not to swallow turian spunk?"

Mordin gave a questioning look, then it passed. "Ah, yes, the human slang for seminal fluid." He nodded in understanding. "Would be fascinating to see what exactly happens if a human ingests. Only read about it. Never seen. Only my hypothesis." He looked at me with what I swear was hope in his eyes.

"No." I said flatly. "I'm not a Guinee Pig."

"Rats generally work better for human experiments. Or pigs. Though pigs are generally used for eating while rats are mostly not." He moved to his trade mark pondering stance.

"Please tell me you're not thinking about making us try rats."

"No, but now that you mention it."

"Forget I said anything." I hid my face with my hand.

I could hear Mordin chuckle faintly. Rare music to my ears.

"Okay." I waved my hand as if to clear the air. "Turians are potential killers in bed." I tried not to grin at the double on tondra. "What about drells?"

"Drell and human liaisons are complex. Prolonged skin contact causes rash. Small, but uncomfortable. Oral contact can cause mild hallucinations. Type and duration depends on the person."

"Holy shit! Thane's a walking, talking drug! He's like marijuana!"

Mordin shook his head. "More accurate to compare situation to licking a species of toad on Earth."

I had been joking. Mordin clearly was not.

"What about someone with powerful biotics? Someone who lets their biotics run rampant?"

"Hmm, yes, have heard of powerful human biotics losing control during satisfying intercourse. For those humans, best to use a biotic inhibitor. It dampens neural receptors which weakens unintentional biotic effects. Still, I strongly advise padding the walls."

"Sex with a biotic sounds like a lot of work."

"On the contrary." Mordin shook his head. "Jack? Yes. Miranda? No."

"Why not Miranda? Her biotics are rather impressive."

"Indeed, however, Miranda isn't as...unstable as Jack. Miranda controls her abilities. Jack is controlled by her's."

I laughed. "So, Miranda is one of the few crew members that doesn't need special requirements during sex."

"Still, I'd watch out for bugs." He air quoted. "Plenty of places to hide them in a room and on the human body."

"Gross, Mordin."

"May need probes to find them all."

"Ah, come on, Mordin." I took out my datapad and sat down. "Now you're just teasing me."

"Only slightly."

I laughed flipping through files. Aria of Omega had sent me some intel she'd gathered. For free. I'm pretty sure she likes me...a lot.

Can't really blame her though. Males and females and its (I'm sure there are its somewhere out there) all get drawn to me for one reason or another.

I happened to glance up and Mordin, who hadn't gone back to working, was staring at me.

I couldn't even guess what was going through his head and I had the sickening feeling I didn't want to know. Him so intently staring at me was starting to get unnerving. I'd rather go up against a battalion of Krogen single handedly than be silently analyzed by Mordin.

I was about to ask him to cut it out when he spoke first.

"Shepard, far be it from me to tell you what you can and cannot do in your spare time. However, I strongly advise you to rethink your plan of fornicating with your whole squad."

I dropped my datapad. "What?"

"I've studied humans enough to know, for the majority, they are slaves to their hormones and that the orgasm releases prolactin that reduces stress."

"Now, Mordin, wait a minute." I tried to cut in, but he was already going off.

"If you insist on proceeding with your sexual endeavors, might I suggest Tali first? With her immune system the fewer partners before the better, for precaution. Garrus would be a good second followed by Miranda. If there is chafing, you'll need a softer follow up partner. I would be more than happy to assist you with the removal of any bugs." Mordin crossed his arms in thought. "Plenty of places to hide them, interested to see if she has same ideas."

"I really think you've got the wrong."

"And while here, I can give you the biotic inhibitor for Jack. Depending on how much padding you use, I can also treat for any bodily injuries she causes." He shrugged. "Or Dr. Chixius. She's good for a human doctor. Thane, possibility for hallucinations, but more importantly, rash around the genital area or posterior depending on sexual pleasure. Either way, rash dampens sex appeal to other partners. Therefore, best saved for last."

I stood there, slack jawed.

"Too much knowledge to take in. Could send it to you."

"No." I spoke firmly gathering my wits. "No, I'm not going to sleep with my entire squad."

"Of course not. Jacob infatuated with Miranda. Samara's justicar code. Grunt just sexually matured. Kasumi obsessed with lover's grey box. I'm."

"Stop!" I held up my hands. "Mordin, it was simple curiosity. I have no desire to sleep with any of them."

"Ah, yes, the 'hypothetical'." He air quoted.

"It's not 'hypothetical'." I air quoted back. "It's simply hypothetical. I was merely curious. You can't tell me you've never asked a question simply out of curiosity."

"Point taken." Mordin went back to his work table. "I shall say no more of the matter."

"Thank you." I paused realizing something. "Why did your scenario sound like I was going to have sex with everyone in one day?"

"That would be the most efficient, would it not?"

"I...guess? But that would be impossible. Five people in one day?"

"On the contrary." He hadn't bothered to continue working. "The average human takes somewhere between 15 to 20 minutes for the actual intercourse. Adding in time for foreplay before and what you humans call 'cuddling' for after, you need only spend an hour and a half at most per individual. Even with the prep work for special cases, you can easily satisfy five sexual partners in one day." Mordin's eyes went to the screen and he started typing. "Prostitutes, both male and female, have more sexual partners in one afternoon." He looked up at me and smiled slightly. "But as you said, only hypothetical."

I stared at him in disbelief then quickly shook my head. At this point, I really shouldn't be surprised by him. "Right, hypothetical." Besides, the only squad mate I wanted to sleep with was standing right in front of me and I doubt he had any sex advice for salariens.


End file.
